I Like that You Enjoy My Touch

Charla July 24, 2018

I asked a male companion what he liked best about me after we’d spent a few days together. It was kinda a dare, but I was in the mood to hear something good about myself. He answered easily, ”You seem to really enjoy being touched.” And he added, “And you seem to enjoy touching me.”

Both answers caught me by surprise, I expected—“You are so easy to talk to, or you seem to really enjoy life, or you have a great attitude.”  But no, he liked that I enjoyed our physical touching.

Now, I haven’t always ‘love touching.’  Most of my life I was pretty anxious about touching.  It seemed that so many times it would go wrong, so I found lots of excuses to avoid it. (not recommended–very lonely.) That changed about age fifty when I decided to study touching…and intimacy—probably because I wasn’t good at it.  I knew if I put my mind to it–like anything else I studied–I’d get good at it.  So I schooled myself; I made learning pleasure a discipline!  And I got good at it!  And when something feels easy, you want more of it.

Studying intimate touch, I found teachers, read books, traveled to workshops, sought out play partners and went to work—studying pleasure!  You can pick worse subjects. I learned to slow up, listen to my body, let my desires percolate up from my core, OWNED my desires, and spoke them out loud to my partners (OMG! vulnerable).  I did not die. I stopped putting pressure on myself to orgasm for someone else. I stopped doing for others and started doing for myself.  BIG CHANGES.

So when this man told me he liked how much pleasure I received from his touch and that I genuinely seemed to enjoy touching him, he was right on. No faking. Touch pulls me deeply into the moment, out of my head and into the body, and into a gentle space where I feel the Universe converge in the tip of a finger.  It’s spiritual, humbling, delightful–other worldly, a respite from the mind.

All of us have had such experiences…and want more.  We desire to be touched in ways that feel authentic, caring, and pulls us into the  moment.  We want to be witnessed for who we are, naked and imperfect.  I think human’s need for touch grows as life seems to shorten–both are so precious.  Yet it’s hard to find our way in a sex negative, body shaming world.

Often I hear, “Oh, I’m just not interested in sex anymore.”  Sure, not interested in the sex that you’ve been experiencing.  What about creating a new sensuality?  What about redefining ‘sex’ as we mature?   We get to make up the rules.  We get to be curious, get to be gutsy. We can learn vulnerability and transparency.  We are powerful.  And age brings it on.

I tell students who see me for intimacy coaching, go to where the pleasure is, and stay there–for a long time, like all night!  We think we need to race ahead—feel like we are ‘erotic retards’ and everyone is having more fun than us.  Baloney. What simple thing do you enjoy….hair brushing? Go there and stay there as long as you want.

If you haven’t started your Back to Touch journey yet, take a step, find a book, teacher or partner to practice with. And your partner may find one of the most endearing things about you is how much you can enjoy touch—and touching them.